Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

A word of advice: if you’re looking for a good story and good acting, you won’t find it here. But you will be entertained and certainly kept awake by all the gore in this film.

An updated version of the classic children’s tale, the movie picks up some fifteen years later, with Hansel and Gretel now all grown up and making a living as witch hunters. When children start disappearing in a sleepy town in Germany, the siblings are hired by the mayor to rescue the kids and find out who has been kidnapping them. Their mission takes them back to their childhood home, the candy house, and ultimately, leads them to the truth about what really happened that night in the woods, and why their parents disappeared that night. 
The story soon becomes one cliche after another, delivered through what I’m sure were supposedly witty lines peppered with the f* word (really, this word existed in 19th century Germany?) such as “you’ve got to be f* kidding me” and punctuated with blood and gut spatter every five minutes or so.

Those spatters are perhaps the most fun thing about this movie. Story-wise, this movie is about as shallow as Underworld and Twilight, but the 3D is good. In fact, I think this is one of the best 3D renditions I have ever watched, with each scene seamless and looking like you can reach out and touch the characters on screen. Several times, hubby and I felt like ducking for cover. 

Oh, and Gemma Arterton is pretty. I am developing a serious girl crush on her, ever since she played Io in Clash of the Titans; or did Prince of Persia come before that? Oh wait, she was a Bond girl first. And she actually looked like she believed herself to be a bad-ass witch hunter. 

Which cannot be said of Jeremy Renner. I know he’s a talented actor, as his fame rests solely on his acting chops, but his movies of late are uninspired and he often looked like he was slumbering his way through his role. If I hadn’t watched him in all his big-budget movies (Avengers, Bourne, Mission Impossible) after The Hurt Locker, I probably would be quite satisfied with his acting (or indifferent, at least). But I had, and his expression/acting is the same in each of these movies.
And Famke Janssen as the grand evil witch didn’t exactly send me scurrying away and I doubt if I’ll have nightmares about her. In fact, she just looked like an older Jean Grey possessed by the Phoenix, with veins popping and all. 
Once again, we are left with a movie which could have been good what with its fairytale background, but the messed up script and bland performances from the cast shoots down its chances before it can even take off the ground.

I would still recommend this though, in 3D, if only for the seamless effects and pump-up action scenes.
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